“Grief and loss that are not transformed, get transmitted. We need others to walk beside us during time of loss to assist us on that journey of transforming our grief.” ~ Rabbi Edwin Friedman
On Monday of this week, after a challenging session with a patient who has experienced significant losses and is doing sacred, good grief work, I recalled the words of Rabbi Friedman in a lecture at Vanderbilt. He is correct, of course. Sometimes we need to widen the circle of care, and this can take many forms. Indeed, one need not be ordained, or a licensed clinician to sit with another in that liminal space of hospitality, compassion, and relationship. After my session on Monday, I walked into the nave of the Cathedral, sat in the sacred silence, and offered a prayer for my patient and her family. When I rose from the pew and began my trek back to the counseling center, I saw the beautiful light, refracted through the stained glass of the windows, reflected on the cathedral pillars. I was comforted by this, and reminded that the sacred can take many forms, and like the Holy Spirit who can surprise us with the gift of Her presence, sometimes is there all along. And I was reminded that we do not have to do this work alone.
Among the topics I have written about during my years as a professor is “resilience,” of which Fr. Richard Rohr has said, “I believe resilience is the secular word for faith — the ability to trust and let go.” I agree, and resilience can be enhanced in relationships of care, compassion, and intentional acts of grace. We recall these lovely words from 2 Corinthians 4:7:
7But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, so that it may be made clear that this extraordinary power belongs to God and does not come from us. 8We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; 9persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; 10always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be made visible in our bodies. 11For while we live, we are always being given up to death for Jesus’ sake, so that the life of Jesus may be made visible in our mortal flesh. 12So death is at work in us, but life in you.
We know that resilience, bouncing back from change, adversity, and adapting and flourishing in the “new normal,” through thoughts, behaviors, and actions can be learned, cultivated, and developed. It is an alternative to “pathology based” assessments and theory. Cultivating resilience can change our neural pathways and neurochemistry (neuroplasticity. And resilience transcends disciplines, and has applications in engineering, ecology, medicine, finance, leadership, and religion. Cultivating resilience can change mind, body, and spirit.
Resilience is often born amid adversity, as the poet David Whyte has said so well:
“Disappointment is a friend to transformation, a call to both accuracy and generosity in the assessment of our self and others, a test of sincerity and a catalyst of resilience. It is the initial meeting with the frontier of an evolving life…an invitation to reality… and the measure of our courage.”
Regardless of the source of our disappointment, grief, or loss, we often need others to sit with us in that sacred space, without needing to “fix” whatever has been broken or is hurting. The relationship is what is most important. In the next few weeks, we will be exploring the possibility of creating a Community of Hope lay pastoral care group here at Holy Family. Here’s more about COHI:
“Community of Hope International equips lay people to serve in all forms of pastoral care. Pastoral care is when a person is being “present” in a listening, compassionate, non-controlling manner to an individual or group for the purpose of consciously or unconsciously representing God to them and seeking to respond to their spiritual needs….Through ongoing, spiritual formation and practical lessons on caregiving, members learn to match theological insights and spiritual practices with their experiences of ministering to others and giving spiritual guidance. The fourteen modules used in training cover topics both theoretical and practical, ranging from teaching participants the tenets of Benedictine Spirituality to practical instruction to be used while on a pastoral care visit. It is COHI’s goal that this training awaken participants to God’s call on their lives by discovering and understanding their spiritual gifts for ministry.”
Increasingly, dear ones, we in the Episcopal Church will need to cultivate a “lay-led, clergy-supported” ethos, with practical applications of how this might be done. I believe that COHI is one way of enhancing lay pastoral care, a topic deeply important to me. Several of you have expressed an interest in participating in this program, and there will be a COHI conference at Montreat Conference Center in 2025. Please do let me know if you have questions about this and if you are interested in learning more! We will need more persons willing to give of themselves in this way as we adjust to changes in mainline Protestantism, and in our own lovely parish.
I returned to my office at the counseling center on Monday renewed in spirit, and reminded of my own calling to a sense of joy and wonder; respect the dignity of every human being; cultivate a spirit to know and love God; have an inquiring and discerning heart; and find the courage to will and to persevere. These are qualities for which we pray in our Baptismal Covenant, and they are also faithful attributes of resilience, or faith in action! They are ways of becoming more fully alive, as we move along on our journey in faith. Transforming grief is sacred work, and best not done alone.
“Don’t ask only what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.” ~ Howard Thurman
Vicky and I depart for Zurich later this week, and then on to Paris to join family there. I look forward to seeing you in church when we return on the 27th, and I’ll catch you later on down the trail.
Blessings, Bill+
